The disappearing act

The disappearing act: Losing yourself in Relationships By Kalpana Raghuraman


I really enjoy sharing my awarenesse and I hope they contribute to your life and inspire you.
When I create an event or a series, like an Access Consciousness workshop, an energy gets
activated. It’s a process: I get a ping for a topic, I choose the class, I create the title, we design
the graphic, and then we put it out into the world. This activation is not just external, it also shifts
something within me, as a facilitator, as someone who explores these topics deeply.

We have a five-part series starting on Monday called Losing Yourself in Relationships. It
emerged from conversations I was having with my team, my friends, and the things that kept
showing up. As always, the topic also resonated with my personal journey. Over Christmas, I
spent time alone, a choice I made. And that also opened up an energy in my world with new
friends, new people, and illuminated new awarenesses about moments where I had lost myself
in past relationships, ways I had adjusted and adapted without fully acknowledging it.

The art of dissolving

For many of us, connection is sacred. We are taught, explicitly or implicitly, that relationships
require merging, that being close to someone means blending into their world. But what if the
merging erases you? What if the art of dissolving into another becomes the death of self?

We call it compromise. We call it commitment. We call it being a good partner, a good friend, a
good parent. But let’s name it for what it really is: the quiet surrender of your edges, the blurring
of your essence, the slow vanishing act of who you once were.

How it happens?!

Losing yourself is not a grand, dramatic event. It is the small things:

● Saying ‘yes’ when your body is screaming ‘no.’
● Shrinking your desires so they don’t take up too much space.
● Softening your voice, your thoughts, your laughter so they are easier for someone else
to hold.
● Becoming the version of yourself that someone else prefers instead of the one your soul
craves to be.
● So many other ways to not be you and adjust in a way you’re diminishing

It’s not just about romantic relationships, it can happen in friendships, in family dynamics, in
workplaces where you mold yourself to fit expectations rather than standing in your own
unshakable presence.

Remembering yourself

So maybe then the question is, how do you come back? A few small things that can change
your world:

  1. Listen to your body – It knows before your mind does. The tension, the fatigue, the
    restlessness—they are signposts pointing toward the places where you are betraying
    yourself.
  2. Reclaim your ‘no’ – The smallest refusal can be an act of revolution. Start practicing
    ‘no’ without justification, without guilt, without apology.
  3. Reconnect with joy – What did you love before you started shaping yourself for
    someone else? Return to it. A book, a dance, a quiet morning alone. Whatever it is, let it
    remind you of the contours of your own soul.
  4. Be willing to be too much – Too loud, too intense, too ambitious, too passionate. You
    were never meant to be small.

    Relationships without Disappearing

    Relationships—whether with partners, friends, or family—should not require you to become
    less. If an interaction asks you to shrink, it is not an expansion. If it demands you to erase parts
    of yourself, it is not nourishing.

    True relationships hold space for your entirety. They celebrate your fullness. They do not fear
    your edges; they acknowledge them.

    So, what can you start to become present with? Are you willing to reclaim yourself? Also,
    change your automatic pilots, because that’s the thing—become aware of them and let them go.
    Some people stay in old habits because of comfort and fear of the new, afraid to let go without
    getting hurt mentally. But here’s the thing: when you let go of what isn’t true, you cannot get hurt
    because you are actually coming back to you.

    At the risk of sounding cliché, how many of us have ever actually been in a relationship as
    ourselves? We get so busy molding to the other person’s expectations that we forget they chose
    us to begin with. What will it take to shift this mechanism? To truly get present with it and let go
    of judgment?

    The process of detoxing from old relationships is about releasing past entanglements and
    stepping into a different reality. Are you willing to be courageous enough to choose what actually
    nourishes you? If so, let this conversation inspire you to step into a new space with yourself.
    And, maybe see you in my online series Losing Yourself in Relationships to get much more
    freedom to just be you, without compromising.

    Because you, just as you are, are already enough.

    If you are ready to go deeper into this topic, join my 5-day series beginning Feb. 4 “Losing Yourself in Relationships”
Kalpana Raghuraman

Kalpana Raghuraman is an advanced facilitator with the modality Access Consciousness, a published author and scholar. She is also artistic director of her own dance company, Kalpanarts.